On developing Spiritual Friendships
In 2010 I received the gospel of Jesus Christ. I was a pastor.
They say, “Don’t meet your heroes”. I think the point of the saying is that your heroes will end up disappointing you. After I received the gospel, I compiled for myself a group of nifty gospel-centred heroes. Through great effort, I managed to get myself into a room with many of these gospel giants. It was in this room over a few days that my heroes led me into confession and repentance and great confusion. What confused me was how morbid the room was during confession and repentance. Not very different to the cemetery down the road from my house. About the same amount of life existed in both places.
If we were pilgrims making progress how come the burden seemed to get worse on our knees before the throne of grace? I was soon to receive an education in the methodology – small cross / big cross. It goes like this - to the degree that you can see your sin, you can understand His grace. Small sin = small grace = small cross. Big sin = big grace = big cross. This is very true and has been truly life-giving. However, it seemed to me that sin was very big, and grace was very small in our practice. The cross did not get bigger. Somehow, in our practice, the self seemed to be presiding over our ‘mortification of sin’. Self is never a gracious saviour, and sits heavily on its saddle over our hearts.
This confusing experience continued for years after. Often when I raised the question of heaviness in confession, I felt like the black sheep in the gospel-centred family. I could be as morbid about my sin as anyone in the room, I just couldn’t see what good it was doing, or how it was illuminating the grace of God in Jesus Christ. If this was the work of the Holy Spirit, then He seemed to have a different touch to Jesus who promised unburdened rest from our weariness[Matthew 11 V28-30]. My confusion deepened as I began to question the actual content of confessions and repentance too.
When David kneels before the throne of grace, he seems to be the kind of guy who may dance in his loin cloth. Honest, vulnerable, and in relationship with God. Here is a limited list of David’s doozies. “How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from all my hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me” [Psalm 19 V12-13a, NLT]. David isn’t just doing general repentance. He is admitting that there are things in his heart he hasn’t even begun to know yet. More importantly, he is also admitting that there are things he does deliberately that he knows to be sin. This man knows the throne of grace. Nothing is hidden. “You spread out our sins before you – our secret sins – and you see them all.”[Psalm 90 V8 NLT] “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life”[Psalm 139:23-24 NLT]. Interestingly in all of David’s recorded confessions, there is not a sense that he was a morbid man, though he reckoned with darkness in his soul. He was an honest man. He mourned and rejoiced. He cried and laughed. But he did not seem to carry the weight of sin upon his own shoulders. He knew what it meant to come to the throne of grace to get grace.
I was listening to a podcast by Ray Ortlund and Sam Allberry, which helped to bring it home for me. In the episode, Ortlund reflected on Life Together by Bonhoeffer. Bonhoeffer encourages Christians to confess their sin to one another so that they are not walking through it alone. This pushes back against self-concealment. Their whole conversation about honesty builds on James 5 V16: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other that you may be healed.” This verse was half the answer to my wrestle against the condemnation of sin and the heaviness of confession. The rest of the answer was found in Jesus’ own words, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”[Matthew 11 V28 NIV].
What I finally stumbled into -this honesty- has brought great relief and joy to me. It has helped me develop spiritual friendships. It has helped me to be vulnerable without getting stuck in the mud. It has helped me see the throne of grace and drink from the river of life while on my knees. So how can we develop a great discipline of life-giving confession and repentance in our lives? A few things may help.
1. Pray for one or two people whom you will be completely honest with.
2. Invite them to listen to the episode of the podcast I referenced (It’s only about 10 minutes).
3. Then ask if they would like to develop that sort of friendship with you.
When you are ready, plan to catch up every two weeks or once a month and do something like the following:
1. Catch up as planned at a place you will both be comfortable sharing.
2. Take 15 minutes to share from your heart- honestly, and vulnerably.
3. Allow the person to pray for you right away.
4. Then switch it up ( This means that in one hour 2-3 of you can have a chance to share and pray for one another).
I realise now that I used to hide from others. Whether I thought I was too mature to sin and didn’t want to let them down, or thought I wasn’t really that bad. Whatever the reason was, I don’t remember. What I found as I began to share very openly for prayer was that often the people that I shared with were struggling in similar ways. Sin makes us think we are the only ones battling. We carry shame hidden in our hearts. However, we are invited by Jesus to quit hiding behind withering fig leaves and to kneel before the throne of His great grace and to put on His righteous robes again and again. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. My gospel heroes no longer disappoint me. I realise that they need exactly what I need - boundless love and grace day by day.
If something of this connects with you, please pray, and ask God for a spiritual friend. They are usually a lot closer than we think they are..but someone has to make that first vulnerable move. Would you?
