Diary of a church planter mistakenly left open at page 37, undated…

Woke this morning. That was the first miracle. Rolled over to check pulse of marriage. Marriage was asleep. But still loves me. What was that rule? “A church planter’s first success is a happy marriage.” Second miracle—she still loves me. (Despite these long hours.) Sound equipment squeaked during worship on Sunday. Exam week for the daughters. How many kids do I have again? Who was that visitor on Sunday? That squeak—microphone feedback. Must give feedback on the feedback. Gosh, sounds like a genuine feedback infinity loop. Church planting metaphor! Feedback on feedback. That’s not the only feedback. That online post about my preaching! Will there be bloggers in heaven? Exams. Your mind’s running again. Focus on the exams. Eldest daughter’s exams soon. Rule 2, remember. “A church planter’s second success is happy children.” Good advice. Tea area after service needs some thought. Lots of late nights recently. How can you tell when you’re loving work more than family? 9247 8895. That visitor’s phone number. Scribble her number here for now. She was with that young man. The one at the couches. The entrance hall—remember to remind the team. Lifts. Queue. Etc. Hotel contract needs checking too. When and how to start community groups? Sermon needs thought. Health. Easy to gain kilogrammes. Church planter’s third success is a low-carb diet. That’s in the Bible, right. Unleavened bread. Got to Passover the carbs. Was it Math or English exam coming up for eldest? Is youngest daughter happy? Solution: Dad-daughter-date. DDD. Sounds like my score on so many items. Straight Ds. Family Bible reading at dinner. Need to have those new people around for dinner. Wait! How many family dinners have we actually had recently? I’ll ask Marriage. She knows. Marriage is also working hard at her job. Must write her a letter to encourage her. Marriage needs love. Love Marriage. Thank goodness for good leaders with me. Hiring. Yes, must hire. Budget. Speak to finance manager about that thing. (Not the budget, that other thing.) Time budget. Imagine an Excel sheet of time spent. How can I invest so many hours and yet still feel like I am buying liabilities of units of time? (The more you do, the tired-er you get duh). Tithe the first ten percent of your time by praying. Someone said that once. Prayer, yes. Prayer is good. Need to pray more. On a related note, don’t forget to lead the devotion coming up. Website? Comms team needs my brainpower. If you got two electrical jumper cables and attached them to my brain, I couldn’t jump-start anything? Brainpower waning. Youngest daughter needs love and attention. Kids’ min. Drum roll. Is that my biggest stress? Social media campaign. Need a social medium. Not like the one at Endor. A social medium expert. A.k.a. a millennial. All-plant email needs to go out soon. How many youth do we have in the plant? That AV operator was really good doing the slides. The church Slider-man. Hahaha. He just got engaged to Slider-woman. Must have them round to celebrate. Coffee with the branding expert coming up. Volunteer teams need JDs. Prayer walks around the new venue could be an idea. We need service leaders. What’s a good way to launch our ‘Feast & Fellowship’ campaign? Is that guy going to join the plant? That stab of pain again. Those other (the other ‘other’) people didn’t join. Don’t think about it. Must think about it. Send out minutes of recent leaders’ meeting. Vision needs tightening. Came out mealy-mouthed last time I said it. Must not forget Marriage and Daughters. They are supreme priority. Surely. Does my time allocation demonstrate it? There’s that stab of guilt I was talking about. O, and don’t forget you're a pastor. Pastor-cum-entrepreneur. Wait! Stop!

In all of this. On this page. These thoughts. I haven’t even mentioned God. Church planting can flip to being a thing you do. Instead of being the thing you do for the Person who loves you. Without love, the things-to-do become a kind of thunder in your soul. You can listen to the thunder. Or you can listen to God. That’s it. The thunder or God. The thunder v. God. There’s such a thing as thunder without love. TS Eliot wrote it—“What the Thunder said”:

After the agony in stony places

The shouting and the crying

…

He who was living is now dead

We who were living are now dying

With a little patience

Here is no water but only rock

Rock and no water and the sandy road

The road winding above among the mountains

Which are mountains of rock without water

If there were water we should stop and drink

The thunder can be loud. The thunder can make my soul dry. The thunder of things. The thunder of expectations, successes, voices, noises, disappointments, injuries, agonies, pains, hurts, activities, burdens. The thunder of things-to-do. Endless things to do. Church planting has its thunder. The thunder is all sound and fury. But no water. No rain. No stream upslope. Thunder without rain. Ministry can become a kind of a dead place—in the blink of an eye. We who were living are now dying with a little patience. You can preach about water, but walk a sandy road. You can drily tell about rain. Or you can look to the Rock which was struck to give water.

Lord, if you could say to me just one thing—what would it be, Lord?

It would be that He greatly loves me. That He likes me. That He has grace to me, kindness to me. It would be that He was struck that I might drink. He would offer me a well of water. He would invite me to the fountain in the town square. He would sit with me there; and give me water to drink. He would say I have succeeded before I began—because I am already in His love. He would explain that failure is to stop believing that Christ is enough. He would say there is a freedom in humility; a light soul in being nothing before Him. He would promise supernatural power. He would remind me that He’s put His Word into my mouth. He would speak His gifting and grace and ability over me. He would blow faith into me; and breathe the Holy Spirit over me. His words would have hope. He would tell me He can do it. He would encourage me to perforate the earthly crust and soar with Him in the heavenlies. He would have confidence in the Him in me. His speech would drip with peace. It would put peace in my soul. His language would be all of Grace. He would call again, with the original call He called. He would put optimism in me for the tomorrow—as today is enjoyed in Him. Tomorrow can be like today. He would talk, and a flow would come. He would point to His Son—who was struck with real thunder, that the rains might come.

Phew. It might just be that He is building His church. As He promised. He said He would.

If all you hear is the thunder of things, you’ll never hear the voice of His Son. Because of His Son, I am His son. No more; no less. All I am—is His son. There’s nothing more to me.

I am not a church-planter. I am a seed. A nothing-seed. He is the planter. My task is to find sufficiency in Christ alone. And then ask Him to bury me in the ground. The first seed of the church He is planting.

Now, Lord—help me to love my family, and lead your people.