The enmeshment trap: unravelling work from identity
During a recent conversation, I was asked what celebration looks like in my life. I referred to an already established rhythm, where I look back at the end of each day and write down specific things to celebrate. Feeling pleased with myself, I recalled items from the previous evening’s list. As I read aloud, it became clear that each celebration corresponded to a met goal at work. I am blessed with a loving family and long-standing friendships, so why wouldn’t my celebration reflect other aspects of my life?
One answer might be because marriage and parenting often expose our weaknesses more than they highlight our competencies. We can always do better at loving our wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5 v25). We can easily feel behind the curve when it comes to training up our children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22 v6). Therefore, celebrating met goals in the workplace can quickly boost our self-esteem—particularly when we are proficient at something or when life is going well.
Viewing work as a defining detail in our lives is not a new concept. The most popular surname in the United Kingdom is Smith (as in blacksmith, silversmith, locksmith, gunsmith). A popular name in Japan is Satou, which has two meanings, one of which is a job title. These names date back to a period when a person’s job was such a key characteristic, it literally became their identity.
Society continues to promote work as a way of defining who we are. Graduates are sent out in pursuit of the perfect job, only to be left with a sense of failure when they do not. A father who stays at home with his children is judged as contributing less to society than a man who works in an office. All this elevation comes at a price.
“Our sense of being a person of worth is found not through our relationship with God, but through work. In other words, we seek, unconsciously, to justify ourselves through our secular jobs or roles.” (Gospel Centred Work, Tim Chester, p.53)
The more work and identity become enmeshed, the more boundaries between work and personal life become blurred. This is particularly common for those whose work is self-determined. Executives, lawyers, entrepreneurs, church leaders and academics all set their own schedules and can allow work to fill their lives.
Doing work we love is not a bad thing, and neither is considering what we do for a living to be significant. But if our points of celebration are disproportionately focused around our work, we will inevitably pay a price. My points for celebration revealed how work was a means of satisfaction, a boost to my self-esteem, and a source of self-confidence. Imagine the emptiness waiting for me when faced with a difficult season at work?
“If we see work as salvation, as the means by which we will find identity or fulfilment, then failure at work will be a devastating experience.” (Gospel Centred Work, Tim Chester, p.54)
It is easy for good things to become idols because we’ve applied too much energy to them. Idols were never meant to provide lasting satisfaction. This is the kind of fulfilment only God can make good on. So what’s the solution? Instead of leaving us to drink from a dry stream, the following quote leads our hearts to living water:
“Finding our identity in Christ helps free us from our insecurities. We are children of God, and that can’t be altered by a good day at work or a day filled with mistakes and failures.” (Gospel Centred Work, Tim Chester, p.55)
With this in mind, here are three things that can help unravel work from identity and reestablish who we are in Christ:
Repent
Idolatry starts in the heart and includes being satisfied by anything we treasure more than God. Like all sin, it requires repentance. But this can be difficult if we’ve been ingrained with a strong work ethic, or if those around us equate long working hours with dedication and commitment.
Remember
It is important to embrace a biblical perspective of work. To understand the creation mandate (Genesis 1 v28) and God’s institution of work for Adam in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 2 v15). We can see how work is envisioned without being idolised in the lives of Joseph, Ruth, and Daniel. We can affirm work as a means by which God is glorified and others are served, rather than as a basis for saving ourselves.
Rejoice
Our proficiency in the workplace, and even our jobs, are not guaranteed. Therefore, we must learn to celebrate what is steadfast. The privilege of being elected, forgiven and adopted is unchanging. These foundational elements of the Christian faith give reason to rejoice. God loved us enough to reach down into the pit and save us from ourselves (Psalm 71 v23). Created in order to glorify—what better way to do that than to celebrate what He’s done, what He’s doing, and what He has promised to do in the future!
Celebrating work, family and friendships will not supply a consistent boost to our self-esteem. Celebration must involve more than rejoicing in what we have. It must include space to enjoy being a child of God, who is both cherished and heard. Without this, celebration will not be enough. With this, celebration will no longer be dependent on a good day at work or a season free from mistakes and failures.
